Much Ado About Everything
by HarryPot
Summary: Im back!!! Well, today's humor fic is about Harry and his summer after GoF. Harry will be in a bit of a surprise as he and his friends mature, meaning more laughter for everyone!!! In Chapter I: Prelude to Anarchy, the Dursleys get deported and people vom


Wow, It's been, like, 4 months since I wrote something! Well, here I go again! This is a humor fic based on the Harry Potter Series. It takes place on the summer after Harry's fourth year (Goblet of Fire). Harry and the Dream Team have a whole summer to spend. What will happen? Who will hook up with who? And why is Ron obsessed with warm apple pie? 

As always, everything belongs to J.K.R. Also...

-The entry and operation techniques of an Immigration Task Force in England may differ, and in no way did the Ellian G. Incident in Florida a year ago inspire this chapter.

- The physics of a car crash can vary due to speed, road conditions, or the temper of the guy in the other car. Always wear a seatbelt.

- In no way are the following ethnic groups meant to be offended: American beach dwellers, the Irish, people of Arabic ethnicity, illegal aliens and such.

Now, If you want me to continue, give me good reviews. Like wine, It should and will get better with age. Expect a new chapter in a week if I get positive output.

And now... 

Much Ado About Everything

Chapter I: Prelude to Anarchy

"C'mon, Herm! It can't be that hard!" 

"Yes, It is!"

"Close your eyes, and relax, and I'll do the rest. Now open up!"

Hermione spread wide open, and allowed Harry into her. He quickly entered her. It was a bit painful, having something that large inside her. He quickly finished, and pulled out.

"Wow, you're done all ready?"

"Yep, all done!" Said Harry, with a smile he pulled the latex off. "How could you get a piece of gum stuck that far into your mouth"?

"I don't know, but thanks anyway! Can I have that gum back?"

Suddenly, Herm's gag reflex kicked in. She regurgitated her lunch: a salad and a decaf cappuccino. The mixture of greens, coffee, and her stomach acids look like, well, vomit. Harry's mind, upon receiving the message from his eyes of the vomit, sent a message to his stomach to empty faster than an assault rifle round ripping through paper at close range. By chance, Ron, and Herm's parents walked in on this little act in the patio, and in an instant, vomit spewed everywhere. Also, the mailman was approaching the house, when he smelled the scent of ptyalin and semi-digested food in the air. He immediately gave way, into his mailbag.

"I'm okay" announced Hermione, as she burped, and spit out pinkish slime.

***

It seemed like the perfect summer. The usual suspects, fresh from their fourth year, planned a perfect holiday. After having a firsthand look at Swedish economics in IKEA, they planed another retreat. In two weeks, they would be touring America in a school-sponsored field-trip tour. Starting in NYC, and ending in Seattle, they would trace through the major wizard-towns in the States. 

Harry's god-forsaken extended family was in a tizzy with Immigration. Apparently, they entered the Isles illegally... from Kazakhstan, and were living here, illegally. They made an appeal to the court, which was immediately shot down within 10 minutes. Just two days ago, the Dursleys were deported to the Middle-Eastern nation, with there possessions sold in an auction, with the money going to the schools, and the estate sold to an old timid man and his senile wife. Just yesterday, Harry got an owl from Fred and George:

__

Hey Harry,

We did you a bit of a favor, you know, for giving us that gold on the train. By now, you will have known that your Aunt's family is out of the country, per se. You can do anything with a computer and the Internet today!

Say Hi to Ron

The day that an agent of the Ministry of Muggle-Wizard Relations appeared after a Immigration S.W.A.T team broke down the Dursley's door, and held Uncle Vernon at gunpoint was one of the most happiest moments of his life. He could still hear Uncle Vernon screaming...

It was a simple and ordinary day in the life of the Dursleys, once again; Vernon Dursley purchased another expensive luxury trinket, with illegal funds drawn from his rival's Swiss bank account. Mr. Dursley's new Saab was his new pride and joy, he crashed his Mercedes SUV/Mini-Van hybrid into a small economy hatchback, belonging to a lower-class family. Well, "crash" is a bit of a undershoot, lets say, _crushed_, the back of the small car, nearly killing the bunch. Unfortunately or fortunately, insurance wouldn't pay, because it wasn't the first time he made a moving violation. First was the dog and the BMW, then the petrol truck and the Lexus, the old lady and another BMW, and before this, a Mercedes and a charity worker. Fortunately, no one was hurt seriously, except the dog, which was smeared on the grill of the car like butter on toast. Humanity organizations were up his ass/arse to this day. Anyway, the Dursleys were showing off the car, yelling the details so that everyone in Western Europe could hear them. It got tedious, so they walked inside. Harry was watching an American sitcom on the giant 80-inch TV. They really didn't mind, Petunia was too busy changing Dudley's adult diaper (All that fatty food caused Irritable Bowel Syndrome), and Vernon was occupied, taking his dally dose of blood thinners and tranquilizers. Petunia walked out of the washroom, with Dudley in tow, looking embarrassed and refreshed at the same time.

A black van pulled up into Privet Drive. It was totally unmarked, and besides having a man wearing Kevlar and armed with a Glock pistol driving, he and the van blended in perfectly with the neighborhood. Petunia briefly glanced at the vehicle, thinking to herself that they are government troops that they might be here for the North Irish next door, or the Arabs across the street. Either way, it would make good fireworks. So she moved herself to the bay window overlooking the front yard, motioning everyone else to come to the window.

Suddenly, 10 armed men and women with sub-machine guns and full body armor busted out the back of the van, laser sights on and pointed at _there_ window. The next thing you know, one of the S.W.A.T team members throws a flash grenade at the window, shattering it. It explodes, emitting a flash of bright light and a loud crack, which stuns Harry, Vernon, and Petunia, but seems to leave Dudley unaffected. They came up to the door, paused for a moment (they were setting explosives on the door), and without notice, they blew the door to smithereens.

"How rude of them for not knocking!" commented Petunia, coughing. Harry tried to see through the smoke and dust, but the yelling of the troops told him where they were.

"IMMIGRATION!!! EVERYONE, HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!!!"

Everyone fell to there knees with hands up, except Dudley, who just squatted.

"I did pay my taxes! And I didn't blow up my competitor's office building, nor do I know anything about a hacker named Psyclops!"

"Sir, we are not here for that! You are an illegal alien, holding this child for ransom!", the SWAT commander motioned to Harry.

"Am not, and AM NOT!"

"Sir, If you are armed, or have weapons in the home, please surrender them now, or risk personal injury when we will have to bust one up yours..."

"Armed? I do not have firearms in this home!" exclaimed Vernon.

"Father, should I get the shotgun?" whispered Dudley, who said that too loud.

"Sir, you are under arrest..."

"Nooooooooo!" yelled Vernon, as he quickly pulled a banana from a close by fruit bowl.

Vernon later had 9mm lead chunks in his thigh, three to be exact. He was treated for his wounds, and immediately was bound on a flight to Kazakhstan 5 days later.

"OK, kid, Family Services will be here shortly. We will stay here with you until they arrive."

"Ahh! You bastards! My Gucci pants are all covered with blood!" Faintly screamed V, as he was wheeled into the ambulance. 

"Shut up you!" Yelled the S.W.A.T. commander.

Petunia was hooked up to an oxygen tank, and Dudley was put into the back of a large delivery van; he was too "hefty" to fit into the petty wagon.

Ten minutes later, a black Mercedes-Benz pulled up to Privet Drive. Out came Dumbledore wearing a suit under his robes. He was holding an attache with the Ministry seal on it.

"Thank you, Gideon, I'll take it from here." Said Dumbledore. As the S.W.A.T. team left, Gideon the S.W.A.T commander winked at Harry.

Dumbledore turned to Harry, "Hi, Harry." Dumbledore said as he waved at him.

"Hi!" said Harry, bright eyed and happier than Pikachu on speed.

"If you are wondering, Gideon is a Muggle-born wizard who graduated from Hogwarts eight years ago. He is in the Muggle military was a commando in the S.A.S." informed Dumbledore.

"Oh, is that so.." said Harry. 

"Anyway, at these circumstances, you will be living with Sirius Black. It says so in your parent's will."

"My parents had a will?" said Harry, shocked. "Then... then why did I have to live with THEM?" He was now pointing to the detained Dursleys.

"Well, um, how should I put this lightly... sh*t happens!"

Harry was nearly knocked off his feet when he heard this. He had never heard Albus Dumbledore use profanity in his whole damn life!!! (oops)

"So, um, Professor, Sirius' name is cleared?"

"Somewhat. The Ministry found some files clearing his name in a recent archive clean up. You will be living with him next summer, he still has to go before the Dark Crimes Tribunal to present his innocence. You will be living with the Wealeys for the rest of the summer."

"Woo Who!" yelled Harry.

"And one more thing, Mr. Potter. Don't call me Professor, call me A-Dum."

"Harry. Harry. HARRY!!!"

"What the... HOLY MERCIFUL CRAP!!!"

Harry snapped out of his memory daydream, when Hermione woke him up. Holy merciful crap indeed, she was wearing a baby blue two-piece. When Harry saw her, he got a bit "excited".

"Um, wow Herm.. Her... Hermione, uh, wow...." He was trying to hide himself as best as he could. He tried everything, crossing his legs, curling up in a ball, leaning down, everything.

"Thanks, I got it a week ago. Hey, Harry, you seem to be a bit tense."

"Oh, I am, am I?"

Then, at that moment, the "meat" was too tight, that it just popped up, causing a tent effect on his pants.

"Oh, dear god, it seeks light!" yelled Fred or George. He turned around, there they were, the dynamic duo, and jolly old Ron.

"Uh, Harry, you can relax, were all friends here..." Hermione said, as she backed up, and expelled a giggle.

What a summer it would be.

To Be Continued... 


End file.
